Choosing This Life

INTO THE DEEP UNKNOWN
Morning Drawing, Oil Pastel On Paper

So ever since my first morning on my retreat, I have been creating intuitive oil pastel drawings first thing in the morning. I used to get up and do Yoga right away. But I realize now that that is what I thought I should do to begin my day in a spiritual manner. But lately, my morning practice hasn't seemed right...my body doesn't feel open for it yet....I prefer Yoga in the evening again--like I did when I was in my early twenties. So I decided awhile ago to honor that. But--something's been missing without a usual morning ritual. And then...it came to me...out of nowhere.

Draw. Paint. Stretch my Creative Juicy muscles instead.

And this works. Like some people wake up and do morning pages--the kind championed by Julia Cameron of the book The Artist Way---I like to think of these as Morning Drawings. And it feels right. And it purges things out of me and puts it there on the paper so I can go about my day.


GROW DEEPER
Morning Drawing, Oil Pastel On Paper

So, I need to tell you something.

When I was at the Wild Heart Painting Retreat, I had an awakening. A vision you could say. I had an understanding so deep--that it kept me up all night Saturday with this spinning over my heart chakra that literally felt like a wheel spinning. That's when I knew that things had made a major shift...and either I could ignore it, stay put in my comfortable life and routine, or follow the voice of the Queen I was hearing--and begin a new journey into the deep unknown.

I have chosen to begin a new journey. I have chosen to dive, head first, into the sea of the great, deep, unknown. I have chosen to live my life in complete alignment of heart, soul, and action. I have chosen to claim my energy and time to be fully my own to decide what and how I use it. I have chosen to go about something, I have no idea how to do. I have chosen to finally walk the life I was meant to live. I have chosen what I will do next, and that is the most powerful thing any of us can do.

So what is it, you wonder?

Well, I came home and told Hansel that I no longer can wait to open my painting retreat place in Costa Rica. I have to open it here. Now. Where we live. Arizona. I have to open it because basically the Queen told me.

I know...I sound crazy.

But it's not.

I can't keep working the job I have now as well. It sucks too much of my time and energy in a fashion that does not support what my heart and soul desire. So, I went into work last week, emailed my supervisor and principal, and informed them that I wanted to work part time next year.

I was honest with them. I told them that I needed more time to work on my own dream--my own business--I told them that I needed to open a painting place here--and that I couldn't pull it off if I was still working full time---and I told them that I really had no idea how I was going to do this at all--but I was open now to listening to the direction, the guidance that is leading me.

My supervisor, in a motherly way, tried to change my mind. She tried to scare me by telling me how hard it will be with half my salary and yada yada yada.

But I finally just looked at her and told her that if I didn't do this--that if I didn't take the risk--I would never grow.

And, when I said this, I surprised myself even. The whole tone changed....and it was like all of us knew right then....I was no longer in charge...the Queen, the Goddess is working through me here. She's calling the shots. And she needs me to work there THIS YEAR part time--so I can have a bridge to this next chapter of my Creative Juicy Life....but she has bigger plans for me.

TENSION
Morning Drawing, Oil Pastel On Paper


So that's the deal. All the logistical stuff is almost final...I'll be working part time in a different school next year...and today was the last day of a rotation of classes...and I told those kiddos I wouldn't be seeing them next year. That to me, made all of this more final. Their hugs, their tears, their begging and pleading--their innocent worry pulled at my heart strings. But I know this is only the beginning. The beginning of quite a few obstacles that will be presented in my way.

And in just this past week, I learned so completely, that the biggest obstacle I face is myself. There is a tension between what I think I should do--and what I am guided to do by a force so much bigger and stronger then me.

And I'm choosing to lead my life by following this voice that is guiding me. I am choosing and choosing and choosing.




21 comments:

Linnea said...

I love this. The passion, the intensity, the risk, the awakening, all of it. I will admit that I've puddled up reading these posts -- not only because I'm ecstatic for you, but because I hope to find that something in me.

Blessings and love to you as you begin your new journey.

indigo goddess said...

wow.... somehow intuitively I knew this. I am so happy for you. You inner voice is quite intelligent and I am so happy the two of you are "talking". :-)
I have to start saving some money, cause it sounds like I'm going to be taking some art classes in AZ soon~ Congratulations Connie! I am truly thrilled for you. xoxoxo

Emma said...

Yes! You can do this! You ARE doing this!

You're creating wonderful things and a wonderful life!

Congratulations!

sweetmango said...

Big, huge, massive, deep from the heart grins over here for my little sister!!!!
I cant wait to see this journey unfold.
I love you
xxme

Sandy Dempsey said...

You are inspiring me in ways you can't even imagine. I am so excited and happy for you. Keep listening and keep going deeper. BIG Hugs, Sandy

Heather Plett said...

This is huge and exciting! And I'm all caught up in your energy!

You ROCK girl!

And... um... you need to call me, 'cause that parallel life thing? Yeah, well, just call - we'll talk!

quinncreative said...

That realization you had is such a gift. Few people know what they are born to do, fewer still follow it. Congratulations. There will be a lot of hard days ahead, but no bad ones.

I smiled when you wrote that your boss tried to dissuade you. Of course. For many, a regular paycheck is the life raft in a turbulent world. It's also a chain that links you to the extraordinary.

The creative world calls you, and your heart has answered. You will find the riches possible life. You will find friends like you. I moved here to live the life I was called to, and after seven years of following my heart and soul, I have no regrets. You won't either. Congratulations!

Jamie Ridler said...

Okay, so I don't usually use this kind of language but f*ckin A, my friend! This is FOR you!! This IS you!!

with love and heartfelt belief in you,
Jamie

dosfishes said...

Ohohoh,
I sensed that was what you were going to reveal.
So happy and excited for you. When's the first retreat?
Keep us posted. The art is singing!

toliveinspired said...

Congratulations! I am inspired by you in fully stepping out there, before you know what out there holds, but trusting your soul and the divine to lead you where is yours to be.
You are an inspiration! You go girl!

Kim Mailhot said...

Oh, you are so brave it gives me shivers ! Yay for you and Yay for that Goddess within you calling those shots so spot on. Build it and it will come - so very very true. I see wonderful things coming...
Phew, now how do I get in touch with that Goddess in me ? I have some dreams to make come true...

Amanda Fall - PersistentGreen said...

Amen
Amen
Amen

and

Hallelujah!

There's a quote from Julia Cameron that says it's easy to be distracted by something that's CLOSE to your dream without being your real dream...

and I think there is something so amazingly real and vibrant about opening your studio WHERE YOU ARE..because the magic isn't Costa Rica, Connie, it's YOU.

Wulfie said...

Hi, I'm one of your Lurkers. :D

I just wanted to say, this rocks. You're brave and I don't mean it in the sense of braving the obstacles that you mentioned in your blog. I mean, I think you're brave to follow your calling and dive in. YOU GO GIRL! This rocks.

Congratulations!

Wulfie

faerian said...

this is beautiful inspiring and so so alive - thankyou for creating this ripple into the world - it is a gift and so will your Arizona mission be! BRAVA!!!

darrah said...

I love what Amanda said about the magic being YOU. I think we have a tendency to look outside ourselves for answers, but the answers are within us. When we push away the excuses, the "what ifs", and "if onlys", the answers become more clear and the path unfolds in front of us.

We believe in you, Miss C!

Brandi Reynolds said...

I'm so happy for you...I think this so rocks and I know you can do it!

Melita said...

so incredibly inspiring!! hugs!!

Lis said...

I am so SO excited for you! I love that you are letting your inner goddess/queen call the shots ... she will support you ... she is in direct contact with the Universe and knows how to ask for what you both will need.

years ago, i left my full time manager's job to do a month long yoga teacher training program. i had no idea what i would do when i got back ... a few seeds were scattered before i left, but honestly, i didn't try very hard. i was just in great trust with the Universe. so surprise, i got a letter asking me to teach as an adjunct the following semester while i was in teacher training! (I've worked harder to get crapper jobs, believe me!) i did that, taught yoga and other part time gigs fell my way. it wasn't always easy not knowing the details ahead of time, but everything emerged and flowed when i needed it to. so i totally believe you are giving legs to your dream and now it will start to unfold.

i just know this because you are so amazing! your spirit, your love, your enthusiasm is infectious! i'm ready to pack up my honda and head down for your retreat! seriously!

big hugs ... we are all here cheering you on ... and you are inspiring me to shake things up a bit in my life. Can your queen give mine a call?

xxo - Lis

Sherri said...

Holy smokes, girl! Bravo! I'm so happy for you to be following your intuition despite the scary. It's even more amazing that you stuck to your guns when you received pushback. You are on your right path. Lots and lots of positive energy coming your way to sunny AZ.

Mindy said...

I LOVE your Morning Drawings! And I LOVE how you are listening to your intuition and taking the leap! Thank you for sharing your brave and inspirational journey into the unknown.

Namaste,

Mindy

Lesley said...

This is so fabulous to read. Thank you for sharing it with us... from hopes to fears of the unknown, I know I'm not the only one that keeps that tucked deep inside, and maybe now I can be open to holding it up and looking at it and making scary, wonderful, life-right decisions like yours.