Starting to Find My Words

Ok. I think I'm ready to talk now.

It's been over a week since I was at the Wild Heart Painting Retreat, and I finally think I am able to begin to put into words what happened...what I experienced...AND how I became awakened and enlightened all in one big wave.

I think. I think I'm ready.

The thing is...I didn't expect this. I didn't expect ANY of this.

I thought for the most part I would go to this retreat and get my paint on. I had intentions to paint BIG and that's about it.

Well, maybe I didn't have expectations...but I knew.

I knew that this would be a weekend of more then getting my paint-on. More then painting big.

But I didn't expect this. I didn't expect that I would have such a deeper understanding of myself that I would have to come back home and rearrange everything--to better fit this new Creative Juicy Life I have decided to finally possess completely.

You see, I learned a few things.

I learned that number one--I am always guided. Seriously. Always guided.

And this guidance is so simple--so easy--so present--and so damn loud--that I don't know how I've missed it before.

This guidance is the exact thing I've been looking for for years when it comes to my Art and my painting. For some reason--this guidance--this voice I heard became fully alive when I was at the Creative Juices Arts studio--that at times it became overwhelming, even frustrating, and sometimes frightening. This guidance...this voice...this Queen...this Goddess guided me to paint..and through painting....everything began to unravel and reveal itself to me.

For one thing, I learned that I am by heart, by soul, by life--a painter. This is the one and true constant that has been with me since my youth. This is the one and true thing I know about myself. For as long as I live, I know painting will always be a big part of who I am--and why I was placed upon this planet at this time. And when I say painting, I mean the sacred act of picking up a brush and letting the color, line, pattern, images, and story become an honest expression of who I am at that moment.

And as I spent the weekend painting in silence, I examined how I felt about painting--instead of examining my painting itself. And this made the world of difference. This was groundbreaking. This is how I began to awaken.

I learned that enough is enough. I have purpose here on this planet. That what I do has purpose. Even if the monetary "value" says differently.

I learned that I believe...yes, deep down, with all my heart, believe in Art--especially painting. I believe in it as a bridge to the spirit world--to that juicy part of my existence that I struggle finding connection with sometimes.

I learned that I madly, passionately LOVE the part of me that longs to paint and draw and create wildly that I am willing to take a huge risk to see HER live her dreams completely. I am done with pushing HER in the corner and waiting for the right moment, time, or place for HER to spread HER wings. I am ready to let HER go crazy--and to paint--live--and breathe each breath into HER truest self COMPLETELY.

On my last day of the retreat, all of us dangerously, wild heart women sat together and talked about our experience so far. I broke into tears and said that I felt fucked! Because now I had to go home and rearrange everything to fit this new Creative Juicy Life I have discovered.

I wasn't kidding. I wasn't joking.

And all last week...that's what I did.

And now...well.....more tomorrow...enough said.


Red Shoe Artist said...

Sounds intensely awesome...

Emma said...

These sound like marvelous changes. Congratulations! And I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next...

Cre8Tiva said...

love your words and that you are finding your voice to share the experience...may i quote you in an article, or better yet would you like to voice/write an article for my online magazine let me know ....i just finished an article about this last weekend...the Spirit connection of artists...i am hoping to win a book contract with it called The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer...glad the experience was so transformative for you...blessings

Stacy said...

How exciting! I can't wait to hear the rest. :-) Congratulations!!

Christine Claire Reed said...

The paintings you did there are SO ALIVE and FLOWING and VIBRATING with life and love. Really amazing work, Connie.

lilasvb said...

sounds so great and intense! it is nice to see the pictures and share! i enjoy reading you, your give us like a motivation to do big, myself i am in very small art... is hould follow your advice and try BIG

Jessie said...

You've convinced me...sometime this summer I am going to go on a week long painting retreat. one where i paint only from my heart.

connie, i am so excited for you. i mean, everything is really HAPPENING for you!!! Right now! Not later, but RIGHT NOW!!

God, that is so cool, I can barely contain my excitement for you! I think your happiness and excitement for life is CONTAGIOUS!!! :)

... Paige said...

fly baby, fly through the ground of this earth and out to the other side
let colors splat where they may

joy (@thoughtsofjoy) said...

this is wonderful, wonderful blog post, Connie. i've been fortunate to do a workshop with Chris and have never been able to put it into words. LOVE this...and i don't comment on public blogs. this resonates. sending love.

faerian said...

this made big drippy tears of joy of honouring your amazing awakening of hankering for some of that magic of bowing down before her and you and knowing that what you are bringing into the world is rich beyond measure!

Chris Zydel said...

Hey Darling girl,

Yes, you are well and truly fucked by the creativity goddess... but in the best possible way. I am so happy for you that you are no longer putting her into a corner but allowing her to be front and center in your life... which is where a queen is SUPPOSED to be.

Can't wait to see where she is taking you next!!

Adoring you madly, as always,


KatW said...

What a beautiful, moving post. The line "I examined how I felt about painting--instead of examining my painting itself" echoed some of my latest realisations about my relationship with my writing & creative practice. In fact I wrote a blog post today that in part touches on this.

Glad for you that you had such a wonderful experience.


dandelionlady said...

Thank you for sharing your journey. It was really inspiring. I'm just starting to spread my wings and deepen my art practice. it's great to see you really diving into your art!

Cameron Reutzel said...

I felt your determination, your a key to a door within my own soul that I open from time to a permission slip to visit places that can be both scary and freeing...

I'm so proud of you! I'm in awe of you! I'm inspired by you!

Follow your bliss and continue to share it... we will follow with open hearts, support and gratitude :)

Hybrid J said...

A very powerful post as well as a deeply moving one. You have inspired me to do some deep asking as well. Thank you for such generous sharing. :)

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