photo by my beloved Hansel
I LOVE this photo Hansel took of me. I had no idea even that he shot it. We went for a walk in a park in Prescott, and he was busy snappin' away as I went and sat down on a bench just to think and wait for him to finish. When I saw this photo, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Like he captured a real deep moment for me in a magical way. There is something about that long trail and me sitting there alone that speaks to me in novels.
I don't know how else to say this, but I feel a bit alone. And this feeling occupies the center of my Belly. Sometimes it eats away at it in worry. Other times it spins like a wheel of fire inside fueling my passion and desires. Sometimes it's just a lump that I don't know what to do with. But all of this emotion sits at the center of my Belly calling the shots lately. Because honestly, I don't know what else to listen to.
Months ago, in a big swoosh, everything aligned up in the stars--and all the cells in my body responded. I knew I had to make a change, and that I needed to step forward into something unknown. So I did. I felt it in my gut--so I listened, and proceeded. My intentions were to create a LIFE not a living.
Now, I have this opportunity to do so. To make changes. To be brave. To keep that wheel of fire ignited and spinning in the center of my being. But there are these great moments where I feel so alone. Like I'm out there blazing along on unmarked territory--the things that once seemed familiar to me no longer do. I want someone to talk to..but I fail to find the words to fully express. I want a place I can escape to and get my bearings all over again. But I realized that this is only a wasted sentiment.
You see, this voyage started years ago...it's just now I can no longer see the shore. I'm learning that I have to let go of some things, some habits, some friends, and some fears. Let them sink away from me. I have to experience this aloneness---for the change I'm really needing, really craving from my Belly, will ever be explored.
This past week, I learned in a major, major way---our bellies are more then just flesh and a large set of organs....they are our compass on this great big road of Life. Something to be reverend and deeply respected. Something meant to listen to for some great advice.
9 comments:
Hiya Sweetie,
Can fully relate to this. When Mama passed away I decided I needded some major changes. I felt it deep within myself to do away with friends who couldn't be there for me all they brought was drama. I did away with pleasing everyone all the time. I started to think "What if I did for myself as much as I did for others?" I felt lonely and isolated at first. Like it was my first day in school and everyone staring at me. Slowly I started to emerge. I began to seek out the desires of my heart and I began to blossom. Doesn't mean I don't need new soil and some major watering from time to time. It just I learned some days bring forth the sun, shining brightly and radianting it's beautiful rays upon me. Other times it's a downpour of rain and I'm fighting to stand tall and beautiful. All I'm saying is... Connie Sweetie, STAND TALL & STRONG among the weather changes. It'll be ever so worth it! I love the fact ya don't hide ya discouragements or fears. That's what makes us human and helps us to grow. Ya gonna find ya safe harbor soon. When ya do ya'll no longer have the unfamiliar feelings.
Love & Hugs, Poe
I have this poem by Mary Oliver posted next to my computer for moments just like the ones you're talking about. Peace to you, my friend.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Connie - I was already in tears then read the poem Heather shared by Mary Oliver...and now, I'm just sitting in a pool of stillness.
The photo and your words are beautiful and touching upon something so very deep within me as well.
May you continue to find that path ahead of you, listen to the stars singing the song that has always been there, and feel the winds of freedom and exploration upon your face. Love always - Lisa
I love that poem, too, Heather. It speaks to my heart and soul and gives me calm in my stormy times. I think Poe & Heather have the right idea. Change can be so difficult, and sometimes so very isolating, but you really do have to stand tall and strong against all of those storms to emerge on the other side a butterfly more radiant and beautiful than you are now. Sending you peace, blessings and prayers for patience with the process of discovering you. *Hugs*
Connie, I understand where you are coming from. It's such a strange place at times when we are going for our dreams, shedding old ways, thoughts, relationships.. Even if that comfort zone is not the place that feeds you it's familiar it's such a journey letting go of that and moving into our power.. Just be gentle with yourself and when I feel like I need to really spill my feelings out is when I journal and just spew with no rhyme or reason, if I can't find anyone to talk to. Remember though, you are not alone and that the growing pains are not forever!
You're choosing to experience these hard and scary feelings. You are brave!
I think feelings of fellowship and ease and lightness will come back to - probably even very soon! But I think you are wise to let yourself feel what you feel.
Sending you lots of (belly) love!
do you realise that alone is also
al one (as in all one- it works in my head)
to some degree we are all one - there is just one of us and a sign that we are forging ahead, on our path, in the flow is that we feel alone...
each of us just have one unique life to live... and we are alone
but you have cheerleaders (and people who are willing to dive into the BIG with you)
FANTASTIC insight from such a wonderful, juicy, rich place. Our bellies are life nurturing, they carry our babies whatever form that baby takes ie; dreams, a person....I LOVE this post, this insight, this wisdom and I can't wait to see where it takes you. Here's to BELLY LOVE!!!!
Long time reader, first time commenter here :) As I write this, my belly is filled with another. I am pregnant and due in a few weeks. Although I have a little one, I am preparing to move out into the unknown and that feeling of alone is with me from time to time. My belly which feels a little like a hotel with room service and a jacuzzi, is also filled with creative dreams. I have been spending time trying to find my way in art and writing. It can feel lonely because only we can take this journey ..it is specific to us BUT it is comforting to know that there are others out there feeling that aloneness but bravely moving forward to build a life that reflects the sparkle within.
Thank you for this post, for your passion, heart and beautiful belly. And thank you to Heather for sharing the Mary Oliver poem. It is the 2nd time in 2 weeks that someone shared a Mary Oliver poem ... they are like magic
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