So I fear this is going to keep happening.
I think there are going to be quite a few more weeks like the one I just had. There are going to be quite a few more sleepless nights. Quite a few more days that I find myself paddling the murky waters of my emotions.
Because, I finally realized....
I'm shedding. Or maybe molting is a nicer way of putting it.
And I guess in some sense you could say I'm dying.
But no reason to be alarmed. Seriously, no reason to feel sad or pity.
This is the kind of dying we hope for--the kind that Yogis crave at the end of their practice as they lay still in savasana. The kind of dying that leads to a renewal of life.
I've known this for awhile--that I'm shedding the old life I used to have.
But I finally woke up to see I'm shedding old beliefs too. The ones I used to carry--used to nurse like little babies and sometimes wear as a badge of truth.
I'm shedding the scripture of things that are suppose to be a certain way, just because that's all I've known for so long. Because that's what my mama told me.
I'm shedding old ways of painting. Can you believe it? I'm shedding old ways of being creative in this big, beautiful world.
I'm shedding old relationships I've had....with my body, my mind, with my life...with the part of my existence that I consider my spirituality.
I'm shedding all of this in rivers of tears that can flow so deep that I mistake that I am drowning. And sometimes I shed all of this into loud earthquakes of laughter---and I will admit, I get frightened as I watch my world crumble around me.
I'm shedding all of this, you see, through nights of restlessness and unexpected afternoon naps. I'm not always myself...because don't you get it--I'm shedding.
I'm shedding all of this. ALL of this.
ALL. OF. THIS.
And as much as it scares the living hell out of me.
It finally feels real good to shed...to molt...to die and witness my own rebirth.
And for whatever it's worth, I will share it all with you.
Maybe I'm not the only one shedding.
28 comments:
Oh no you're certainly not the only one.
Thank you for allowing us to witness what will be born.
Love.
jifoewankldakcdmioas
Yep. That's my reply. Because yes and yes and yes and yes and anything else I could type wouldn't make much more sense.
You are not alone in your transformation.
I too have been shedding. I too feel the fear. And the amazement. And the empowerment. And oh the fear creeps in over and over. I'm so glad ou put it into words.
change- it's hard, so very hard. But no matter how hard it is, it's good.
Hello, my dear. I'm catching up on blogs after a lovely vacation.
I'm still working for another month, so I haven't quite reached the "shedding" stage you're at, but I'm sure that it's just around the bend for me. I kind of anticipate having to breathe a big deep body sigh - for about a month or so. :-)
Beautiful. I get it. Amazed that you can get all that you get when you are going THRU it... you rarely seem confused, but always are centered enough to write about how uncentered you feel, in those times when you feel uncentered, that is. I've seen that again and again here and I envy it, in only the best possible way.
wow. i'm not sure I even had words for this. You are so very brave to put these words out there to the Universe, and so empowered and self-aware that you can REALIZE this is happening. I'm still in the "I have no idea whats going on with me" phase, and probably will be for some time. The fact that you are OK with not being OK...well...that amazes me. Keep sharing!
Yes please do share. Your blog is so important to me right now in my life. I look forward to reading about your life and adventures (even thought he jealousy I feel is out of control at times). I too think I am shedding. Big time. Reading your post helped me realize and solidify that. thank you for that. Thank you for being exactly who you are. Sark says "to be as true & you as you can be & then share your work with the world." Amen.
Oh course you are not the only one.
Your witnessing of yourself is So. Huge. And we are witnessing you witnessing yourself.
It is hard, hard, depleting work while you are doing it. Weaning the nurslings is as hard if not harder than nursing them for all those years that you have. So please take care of yourself while this time is emerging for you. Don't diminish it by wondering about it. Just continue to do it. You are doing beautifully. So beautifully.
You're not the only one, not at all.
And if you see this and read it and care, drop me a note...I have something I NEED to talk with you about. (craft4therapy@gmail.com)
Peace & Love,
~Barb~
Connie,
Reading your post is exactly how I have been feeling this past 3 or 4 weeks. Its scary but you are strong & there lots of us who care to give you {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Oh Connie.
No you're not the only one. But I want to thank you for being brave enough to share the transformation with us.
I feel blessed to see the butterfly you are spreading its wings and showing them to the Universe.
Much Love,
Nolwenn
Thank you for this powerful brave and beautiful post.
You are not the only one-- as the women who have commented before me all agree. But you are one \\ who has the insight to write such a poetic description of the experience while it is happening and define it so eloquently that others can realize it themselves
Your transformation continues! I think that's good. It means you are alive, growing, intuitive, and genuine. All wonderful things! It also sounds like a challenging process.
We often have the idea that transformations will be like when a fairy waves a wand at you and you spin around in a magical circle and suddenly you're the new you. And it never happens like that. It's way crazier and messier.
Thank you for deeply sharing with us!
Me too hunny, Geez i'm sooo glad i'm not the only one! Here's a book you may find interesting that i was just given by my beautiful cous today, to help perhaps... Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore (((Hugs))) xox
You are not alone. And we're all in mourning for our old selves. But we have to go through this to move to the next stage of our lives (at least that's what I have been telling myself as I try and power through the exhaustion from forcing myself to wake up earlier, the tears of frustration because I'm working on new techniques I haven't mastered yet, the fear of new situations...)
to rising from the ashes like a phoenix
You are not the only one shedding. We are all shedding....
A brilliant woman inspired one of my favorite art pieces I have ever created when she wrote these words on her blog one day :
"Be kind to yourself when you discover the leaves of your heart are changing."
That brilliant woman is you, Miss Connie. May your own words sooth you some as you shed...
Big Love to you !
I'm away right now. I have been for a bit and I'm in the MOST pain part of transforming. I ache and hurt, feel fear and pockets of happy but I'm scared. So this beauty that you have shared inspired, warmed me. It gave me hope...hope that all catepillars turn into butterflies and beautiful as you. Sending love
Amen! You go girl! :)
Oh, I totally understand this! My style and artwork has been going through such a change, it's kinda scary, but wonderful at the same time! And my attitudes towards gender roles and religion and spirituality and my stupid FMS are transforming, too. Maybe there's something in the spiritual air... *G*
I just love you and how you share all of these things and open my eyes so many times! Yes, I think I am in the early stages of that shedding process. *That's* why so angsty for seemingly no reason sometimes. :) So count me in with the yeses. I am shedding, too, and so glad to know I'm not in it alone.
I have molted many times and continue to do so. I believe that the more genuine we become, the more depth of pain we feel in discarding the safe and comfortable, but the greater the beauty as we open our wings and learn to soar. Big hugs and much love to you, dear sister.
I like this post and the shedding I think happens to us all. I know this is not thinking deeply but our chickens molt in about a month usually and I always feel like it's the end of one year and the beginning of another with Halloween and the final harvest. :)
Hi Connie,
thanks for this brave & beautiful post! Yes, I know this feeling too. We shed the old skin, and the new skin beneath is o-so-tender, so exquisitely sensitive to both pleasure and pain. Your mindfulness of your own process will surely serve you well!
xo
Shedding is good. Fear is not bad. Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. Choosing growth is a good thing, even if we are scared of it. Robert Frost said, "The only way around is through." You have many creative people who will support and love you through this. Go!
Too much sweetness to stand Connie! ; )
Please add me to your drawing!|
Lotus
Yes, Connie, you're right . . . you're not the only one shedding. Thank you for your posts, for inspiring those of us who are also transforming :)
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