How I Learned To Forgive




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Every single night I do the same thing.

I wash my face, brush my teeth, do the neti pot, and then I sit in front of the mirror and softly comb my hands through my dreadlocks with lavender oil. Even if I'm dead tired--I still perform this little ritual.

It's been over seven months now, and I know each dread as if they were my children. I know which ones have weak spots, which ones are loose, and which ones have loops that absolutely drive me crazy. And as I rub my hand over them with lavender I practice letting each one of them be the way they are meant to be. There's not a whole lot you can do about dreads. In some crazy silly way--they have their own life to live--their own way to express their experience adorning my head.

And so every night, I sit in front of the mirror and watch myself as I practice letting go of control--one dread at a time--one thought after another.

Some people get married, others have commitment ceremonies, I get dreadlocks that stretch to the middle of my back. These matted ropes of hair symbolize the truth and path I have deeply decided to venture.

No matter how distracted I may get--I can't escape this decision. They are there as a constant reminder of what's important. What my life is worth living for.

I didn't enter into this decision lightly--both the dreads and my spiritual journey. I knew what I was asking for. I knew what I was deciding. And that is to walk a path of light and love--of being FEARLESS in the face of adversity.

What I am about to say comes from the softest place in my heart--the place that even I try to hide from. Lately my decision to place my spirituality as number one priority has been something that makes me crumble and fall apart. It is not always easy to choose love-- to choose love. I may preach this like a professional, but I have been falling flat on my actions to follow through.

This week 10 people who I have never met sent me emails accusing me of things I know not to be true. I took these as attacks and like any good soldier gathered up my arsenal and began to rally up the troops. I let myself tumble into anger--I even let myself take on the hurt that was coming through these emails. And I decided for myself who is worthy of love and who deserves to be shut out. This is my path...my blog..my space--I decide what to do.

And then late Wednesday evening as I brushed lavender in my hair, I realized each person that wrote me was like a dreadlock themselves--each person that wrote me had weak spots and loops that drive them crazy. Each have a journey they need to live--each have a way that only they are capable of expressing it.

Who am I to decide who is worthy of love and who is not? Who am I to decide who I encounter on this journey--who I touch or don't touch. Each person that comes into my life is here to teach me how to love. Each person who comes to me is here for me to learn how to travel more deeply on this path I have chosen so heartedly and seriously.

So instead of going straight to bed, I turned on my laptop again. I wrote each of those 10 emails back and I filled each word I wrote with love. I really took the time to try to pick away the fear and pain that was present there--and to instead address that all of us are connected at the heart.

I put down my sword, I put down my pride, I put down all the thoughts that were keeping me locked inside my mind....and I chose to love what is in front of me....I chose to be the purest form of FEARLESS there is. I chose to give of myself to those that hurt me.

And together we both learned how to forgive.





(MY YOGA JOURNEY WEEK #14)


31 comments:

Effy said...

This is so beautiful it makes me ache. <3

thepozbabe said...

I luv this Connie. xx

Amy Palko said...

Oh my goodness, my lovely - what a week you have had. To have walked the path of the last 5 days and to have come to this place... you, sweet Connie, are such an inspiration. Seriously.
Sending you so much love
Amy
xx

Faerie Moon Creations said...

This was an AMAZING post! You showed such strength and honesty and kindness. I received a terrible comment to one of my blog posts last year, and it hurt me terribly. It was "authored" by anonymous - but I knew who it was. I didn't have the courage to address it. Next time, I think that I will! Thank you, Connie! Theresa

Amy said...

TFS, Connie! I love this!

Anonymous said...

Who am I to decide who is worthy of love and who is not? This is a very beautiful sentiment I resonate with ... Strangely I had encountered this a couple of nights back ...

Pal, I guess, through one of the nasty misunderstandings I have had, 5 months back, I have come a long way to make peace with the past, me and my friend who hurt me. I also recollect writing an email seeking reconciliation upon conditions. I had to smile because it reminded me of control ...

In a lot of ways, I find this difficult moment a blessing ... I saw my own mother in my friend and saw where it all came from ... I saw myself behaving such ways to other friends ... As you say, I saw the futility in such a anger/control/decisions ...

Your message came at the right time. I haven't written a letter yet ... but when the time comes, I will ... but I feel free at heart ... now/here. Thanks much for the powerful post !

mariko said...

Totally beautiful.

laurie said...

forgiveness is something i keep having to learn over and over again. i'm so glad you made a positive choice and had the courage to be open. you are amazing.

fugzilla said...

Great post :-)

Inner Artist said...

Total Love, total Grace. Connie, you may be young in years but you are definitely an "Old, and Totally Beautiful, Soul". xxoo

Siobhan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

This is a wonderful post, Connie. It takes a huge amount of strength to love people who challenge us. It's so easy to fall into patterns of self-preservation that we have developed to help us deal with the hurt. That you have managed to break that pattern is just - amazing. And, for me, this means that breaking old patterns can be done. With awareness. Thank you, Connie. :)

Kristen said...

This as amazing and beautiful. I have dreadlocks too - and feel the same way about them. Thank you for posting. Love, light and blessings to you on your journey.

xoxoxo
Kristen from Ohio

Marit said...

I can almost feel what you were doing last week... you are such an open and brave and loving person, and I'm so glad we 'met'. Sending a big hug on the waves across the ocean all the way to you!!!

Anonymous said...

I have wanted to have dreads, just haven't because I did not know how. I solute you to following your path... no journey in life is easy... but its a journey each one of us must take to get to the end or new beginning...

Your journey is one that will take you places you never thought it would and one you will be so grateful for.

Enjoy..

Julie...ohio

Heather Plett said...

You are beautiful and wise, my friend.

Nancy Melbourn said...

Connie,
You are so brave and wise! It takes a very spiritual person to look hatred in the eye and then forgive it! You chose the right path and showed us all a great lesson. Way to go girl!!

Trece said...

Dear Connie,
You have showed such grace and maturity in your forgiving. You are an example to all. I am sorry that you had trials, but I see they have just polished your jewel. Thank you again for 21 Secrets.

Sherry Smyth said...

this takes strength and courage and faith. it takes loves. You have all of that in abundance. xo

Kim Mailhot said...

Brava, my friend. Your ability to stick to the path of love is an inspiring lesson for all who know you as well as for your own sweet heart. Light and lOve!

Tracie said...

I'm so proud to call you my friend and sister. You are love. You are loved!

Natasha said...

As tears stream down my face, I say thank you love. You are love. Thank you for putting down your sword and holding my hand and allowing me to see a path within my own life that I've been hiding from.

I love you deeply.

freecreate said...

Loveely love filled love....

quinncreative said...

The hardest thing to do is to show compassion when you also want to smack 'em with a carp. You are farther along the path, but this is the hard part for me. Do I stand up for my ideas? Do I sit down with anger? I'm glad to know you struggle, too.

Julia said...

This touched me deeply this morning. Such courage it takes to choose love. Such beautiful courage.

Thank you,

Julia

Karen D said...

Thanks so much Connie for sharing your journey with us here, you are always an inspiration to me.

big hugs and love to you
Karen D

Lora Lea said...

Well done! Love, after all, must be without judgement & must be without conditions. Love is acceptance of self first and others second. You can't have the second without the first <3

abbie at play said...

what beautiful insights your open heart has revealed. i feel this is the path i am trying to walk today, too... to always, always choose love. :)

thank you so much for your beautiful post. let's keep walking. :)

Anonymous said...

Last night I was so angry at my girlfriend for giving me her silent treatment. We are in a long distance relationship. Phone calls are our lone immediate way of communication. She drives me crazy when she doesn't answer my call nor text. Worried that something bad happened to her ,I never stop calling her till her son texted me she's alright. This morning, a friend shared your blog ...and I felt a glow in my heart after reading it. Forgiveness lighten up my heart. Acceptance and forgiveness...together will help us grow and move forward.

Linda D. said...

Your passages about forgiveness have truly humbled me. I think I am traveling a path of light and consciousness, yet when I feel backed into a corner or threatened I tend to retaliate. You did exactly the right thing and I can hear that your soul resonates with the light that spirit is now shining through you to others. Thank you so much for sharing.

Patricia said...

I just found your blog this morning, after yet another loud and drunken night of merriment by my downstairs neighbor. At least once a week, often more, I have to complain to our landlord about the noise level after 11pm. I'm not at the place you are yet, but I'm really grateful that I found you because reading about your experience helped me to pull back from taking the drastic step of filing an actual complaint against her. Hopefully, with a LOT more practice on my part lol, I can come to the place of forgiveness and love - even through my sleep-deprived haze ;))

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