My Pinky Promise With Fear (A.K.A. "My Big Kirtan Debut")





I never in my wildest dreams ever expected that
(a.) I would be playing a harmonium and
(b.) that I would lead kirtan in front of a crowd of around 70 people.
Never.  Ever.  Ever.

Ever.

(Total truth.)

I went to Kirtan Camp to immerse myself in Bhakti Yoga and to totally chant my heart out.
That's it.

But when I learned the first day that you could rent a harmonium and take lessons every morning from Daniel Tucker--I thought: why not!

Then, when they informed us that Saturday would be dedicated to everyone's 15 minutes of fame performing--I thought: why not!

But the latter was a why not filled with great fear.

No, more like terror.

And I have a thing with fear.  Sort of a promise with it....
When ever it shows up in my life--
I have to follow.

We pinky promised on it long time ago.

So I had to do it.  I told the stage manager to add me to the list--the earlier the better--than I wouldn't have to spend all day worrying about it--I could just get it over with (as you can hear my relief at the end!!).

But really, my initial plan was that I was just going to go up there and "sing".  More like wing it actually.

When one of the nicest men ever--insisted that I would accompany myself with the harmonium.
I fought him.  Believe me.  
I explained pretty passionately that
(a.) I never performed kirtan before
(b.) I just started to learn the harmonium on Tuesday.
(c.) Putting the two together would lead to disaster.

He wouldn't take no for an answer.  And so we spent hours together out on the lawn--as he patiently taught me how to play and sing the melody.

His generosity and his patience and his persistence to see me grow and expand--me--a complete stranger.  Well, it was overwhelming.
I got all teared up and thanked him profusely once I started to get the hang of it.
And you know what...he started to cry too.

I whispered to him "you just gave me a major gift".
And he responded with "I know.  Someone once before gave me the gift of music--and this gift has given me so much in my life.  I know I gave it to you.  I know."

(More tears.)

So I kept my pinky promise with fear and I lead my first kirtan ever--playing the harmonium none the less.

The minute the crowd echoed my nervous, shaky voice--my fear started to burn away.

And I--this person I know as "Connie"--she surprised the hell out of me.
She grew.
Expanded.
Released.
And healed.

She left a big part of herself behind.

To shine brighter.  To shine brighter.  To shine brighter.


Sita Ram. Sita Ram.  Sita Ram.

22 comments:

Robin said...

wow Connie, namastae, satanam! very powerful!

morningDove said...

love the title "pinky promise with fear" you have a beautiful voice. you definitely rock.

Jenn said...

Goosebumps Connie! I've got goosebumps!!! Big Hugs!!!

Michelle said...

This was a beautiful and captivating video...listened to every minute! And this is probably something I'll come back to, especially to start my morning. Thank you! I wish I could afford to study painting with you because you are very inspiring!
hugs from a silent fan, Michelle

carole pruett said...

So enjoyed and jealous of your experience. loved you spirit and going headlong into the fear. comeing out stronger, burning off what needed to go. Namaste

Tracy Carlton said...

ok i haven't listened yet, i'm at work, but will soon...
i just want to say what a huge friggin' shining star you are! thank you for dancing with your fear and especially through it and going for it and showing us all that each of us can do that too.
you rock my world ms. connie and i am so stinkin' glad to know you!!!
love love love to you Sister.

Tracie said...

Oh Connie you do SHINE! I'm so very proud of and inspired by you my fearless friend!

hali said...

this is so fantastic! you are such a Fearless leader. i appreciate you for walking your talk, sweet one.

Emma said...

Amazing! Congratulations!

Karen Cafarella said...

YOU ROCK!! That was so awesome. Your love shined through.

On another note, I read the article, loved it and re-read it again. Let me know what you thought of it.

xoxo

Holly said...

It's crazy how inspiring kindness can be. I'm glad this turned out to be a good experience for you!

Julia said...

My heart is bursting with joy for you; simple pure radiant joy. You continue to be a 'star' forever 'shining brighter' leading the way. Gratitude Blessings Satnam ~ Julia

Tracy Carlton said...

You are so amazingly fucking fearless! AWESOME!
(yes, it is so worth using that word for this moment)

sperlygirl said...

your post is so powerful...what a GIFT this stranger provided. i found this so moving. and the pure joy i felt from your expression....wow!! :)

Rabbit Hole Report said...

Way to open that throat chakra, Connie! Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your journey so openly and lovingly.

Briana said...

Congratulations, Connie! Way to lead by example, you FEARLESS lady.
BTW-What does Sita Ram mean?

freecreate said...

Oh Connie....made me tear up. love watching your beautiful path unfold. you did a fantastic job, and what a lovely voice.

Mary Keough said...

Oh dear Connie. I smiled and sang along with you the whole way. Beautiful!!! xoxo

Wendy said...

Connie, just from reading your post (while the video played)
i now have a tear rolling down my face and a BIG smile!
=-)

~Rasz~ said...

Wow Connie!!! Beautifully fearless and lovely. Thank you for sharing such a moving story of of giving forward and your fearless journey.

Dya. said...

*Pounce n hug* I'm late to the party, but I'm soooo proud of you! That was wonderful! So inspiring! Yay yay yay!!

selinab said...

woooow. Full on goose bumps. Sung so from the heart. Beautiful! I can't believe you did that! What a legend. hahaaha.