I Wrote This To Remind Myself

My Yoga Teacher Training instructor Eric always says:

when we judge ourselves--we really are breaking our own heart.  
And lately, I'll be honest, I've been breaking my own heart like a teenage crush.

I'm totally out of alignment with Creative Source.
That's what it comes down to.
Totally OUT of Alignment.

And one thing I've noticed about myself is that right about this time every year,
the same thing happens.

With the new year quickly approaching I get caught up in what I'm doing--what I'm not doing--what I think I should be doing--and the worst part yet: what other people are doing.

The truth is that most of the time I don't bother to read a lot of blogs.  I try to spend very little time on Twitter or Facebook jumping from one link to the next.  And I especially stay away from looking at what other workshops/e-books/retreats/tele-this-&-that are being offered as well.  Because if I do--my own creativity gets stifled.  If I try to figure out what's working for other people--I lose energy to do what simply works for me.

Not good.

But, lately, I've been wandering around too much on Facebook.  I've been reading too much slick and strategic marketing--and I wonder am I the only one that sees right through this?  Or I look at all the mediocracy that is out there selling like popcorn at the circus and I wonder why?

The truth is--I don't fit in.  I don't fit in at all.

I'm not here to teach you how to draw little girls with dowy eyes---
or to help you achieve your BIGGEST dreams of living BIGGER than BIG--
or try to convince you that a new paradigm is here and it's time you do/be/create/live differently then you already do.

I'm not even interested in telling you that I think you're all that---that you're good enough--that you're smart enough--and damn it people like you.

All I really want to do is share what makes me come alive.

To speak from my own experience.
Not as if it's Bible.

Rather as a place for conversation.
And at it's best, maybe inspiration.

But I just want to be me.  Sail my business on my own tides.  Listen to my own heart.  Move in total alignment with my own Creative Source.  Believe in the wisdom of my soul--instead of the so-called "experts".  And if it means making less money/being less popular--so be it.

I just want to be different.  I want to be something other than mediocre--or selling like hot cakes to everyone and their third cousins.

And in my book--that means striving for less than all the big-wigs are out there busting their asses over.

I just realized that I don't want to live some big dream.
I just want to be content.
Happy with how things are--
instead of always thinking that there is something else
or brighter than my own reality.

One day at a time kind of stuff.

And I'm writing this not for you.  Not as some manifesto or some clever little post.
I'm writing this for me.
Because it's time I just accept it.  Just swallow this pill I keep holding in my hand.
Realize that being different takes courage.
Takes a sense of self that most people run from.
And it takes walking away from what seems comfortable and safe.

I'm writing this to remind myself,
to softly take my own hand--
to scoot my heart back to the altar in my studio
and just sit.
Go inward.
Be quiet.
Shut out all the noise that scatters around us this time of year.

Believe that there is nothing else I need.
Know that my success is all I have to gauge from.

Be ok with being different.

And relish in those beautiful souls
that pepper my life-
who know exactly what I'm saying.

Yeah, ok.
I wrote this just as much for you--
as I did for me too.

Even though I talk a mean talk-
I still see
and deeply appreciate
how very connected
we all truly are.

And because of that,
maybe I don't need to change a thing.


Samantha Kira said...

Don't you dare change a single thing, darling! I love you just the way you are! *big hugs*

Iris said...

You do what you need to do, don't let anyone pressure you to change or not change if either isn't what you want. But if it helps you any, what you want for you is EXACTLY what I'm looking for - for ME. So, right on! I'm quoting some of this on my Twitter.

daisies said...

i love you babe .. for this and so much more. its true.

Dale Anne Potter said...

YOU do not need to change a thing!
Listen to YOUR heart and right now, its telling to relax, be good to yourself and nevermind everything else.

EE said...

Your writings and thoughts are so refreshing. Stay true to yourself - march to your own drumbeat - the one thing I have learned over the years - that inner voice is usually the best voice to listen to. Standing ovation and thumbs-up to you!

Steph said...

This is so beautifully written Connie. Thank you for reminding us all.

Warm wishes,

Christine Graziano Miner said...

Oh, I want to wrap my arms around you and hug you big, my little nugget! (remember you called me that in Sedona? I thought it was so cute I am finding myself calling all the cutest, loviest loves in my life my little nuggets! ) Anyway, I digress...You being you is exactly why I love YOU!!!! And that you being you sharing what you love, is what has been the change agent in so many creative lives! I love this post, not just for what you are saying to yourself, but how it applies to me as well, searching for better and better. I am hearing the universe say loud and clear to me, (several times today alone!) That I need to just TRUST the me that is me. xxxooo, Christine

Marica Sevelj said...

Being authentic is a spectacular value to live by. I too have never felt like I fitted in. It's not about doing it the "right" way according to others but the "right" way according to our own heart and soul. It took me many years of living to discover who I really was and what the "authentic" me looked like. Remember that it is about the journey and along the way we have seasons just like nature. We are after all connected. We are one with the world we live in. Keep being the Connie we all know and love - that is your gift to the world.
Peace and love to you from the other side of the ocean.
Marica xo

Daydream Retreat said...

Thank you!

Jules Dolly said...

oh goddess, I just want to burst out crying, reading this. It was me I was reading. I don't know what else to say that I'm feeling those same feelings and I just need to stop focusing on this that and the other and be me, the authentic me. I am getting sidetracked by this, that and the other, I forget that I'm actually OK. Thank you for this Connie. You really are a star * xx

Elizabeth said...

Thank you for writing this post and for using these words, words that touched my soul, my soul who's crying out time and again to pay attention to the whispers of the wind, the whispers of the wind which for me are sources of wisdom and creativity are now blowing my gratitude into your ears:THANK YOU

The Girlie-Queue said...

*YEAH!* :) What you said... and stuff.♥ This is so funny this lesson... this "just being me" lesson, it seems to be cropping up everywhere. Inside, and all around me. I feel like we're riding a revolutionary wave of *real*, *true* Individuality... and not just some lip-service to the idea of being my own individual... but really embodying that concept until it becomes a feeling. Love you like no-man's business Woman.♥ Thanks for always being you.

Natasha said...

THERE YOU ARE!!! I hear you, my heart, mind and soul hears you ....I know exactly what you are saying and I love you because you are wonderfully, fabulously different...don't EVER change! Thank you for being YOU! I love you heart and soul xoxoxox

Zom said...

Bless your heart, this is a truth I find I have to return to again and again. To have the courage to let go of what I think I want and need and just return to offering who I am, gently, with open hands. Who wants it, who takes it, who likes it or not, is not my business.

And I mean business not in that sense! haha

Rita said...

Yes! Live outside of the box! Follow your own drummer. Be the best you. Loved this post! :) :)

Inner Artist said...

Beautiful! It seems to me that what attracts people to you most is the fact that you resolutely 'march to the beat of your own drum'. Don't ever change that. What a lucky child yours will be to be guided on his/her life's journey by such a special person. xxoo

Tracie said...

Because *YOU* are *YOU* is why WE come here! I love you mama!

Uh...my "word verification" is "fusumsin". Don't know what that is, but it sounds *fumum* appropriate here!

Carol B. said...

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. They are exactly what I needed. A sign to let go of the burden and be at peace with exactly who I am.
You are always a Blessing!

Sheri W said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sheri W said...

So there's the irony. I think there are many of us that are different and don't feel able to "fit in." We are all out there feeling the pressure to join the masses and only at times do we realize others like us are out there.

I really appreciate your knowledge and wisdom. I look forward to your posts and experiencing your art. It helps me remember that it is about the journey and that being true to self is everything. I will never forget the blog about the dirty pootprint studio misprint. I had been going through something in my own journey that felt pretty personal and horrifying. I read your post later that evening and laughed a little but mostly it brought me back to what was true and the importance of choosing others to be around us who give us strength.

It is so difficult sometimes to honor ourselves. It feels lonely and there are little moments where I look around and think that the whole world is the same and I am the freak. I am experiencing that right now in my career. I work with youth and recently changed agencies. I am getting the "wow, you really are too dedicated - you sure bought a lot of supplies, you own too many books, you don't have a life." I ALMOST believe it but then realize that I am passionate about making sure I can be the best I can because I have the lives of these youth in my hands. The "be like us" message is sure mesmerizing at times, isn't it.

Thank you so very much for your voice and your uniqueness. I suspect you help create peace for many more than you realize. I can't wait until I am in a place where I can enjoy your BIG class - hopefully in 2012 - and maybe someday a retreat.

ajsartjournal said...

Love you Connie
Big love

Peggy K said...

Oh, please don't think you need to change. I really believe there's a reason we lose touch of our Creative Source. And that's to be able to come back stronger.
Connie, your work inspires. And it's pretty hard to put a price on that. Doesn't mean you aren't successful. If anyone wanted to argue that point, you have 21 commenters above me who would argue that point. Please keep in mind the inspiration you give us by living from your heart.
One of the best parts of my day is sitting here reading your blog with my cup of tea.
So thanks for your words. I'm sure you won't mind if I apply them to my own life.

Glycérine said...

you're so right !!
thanks for the reminder and enjoy :)

Sandra Belegi said...

Writing fearlessly goes hand in hand with painting fearlessly!!! Thanks for being raw, opening your soul and letting us soak in your truth. What an amazing post <3

Lisa said...


watercolor nerd said...

I didn't get the message from your post that you thought you needed to change, rather that you needed to remember to accept who you are and what you do. I just discovered your blog and find it a daily inspiration. I think we all need to be reminded that we don't have to make work like anyone else or be trendy and fit in and get ourselves worshiped at retreats and seen as teachers with all the answers for our students. You are brave and gifted keep up the good work.

Silky Hart said...

Ms. Connie Chica,
You know I'm so with you on this!
Lots of love,

Quinn said...

Right on, Connie, right on.

Indigo Carlton said...

mamacita! isn't it SO rockin' to know you are NOT alone in this. that we are a tribe. TOTALLY in alignment with each other. even when we forget.

I LOVE that wrote this for yourself, and that I get to enjoy it too. Printing this now, as a reminder for ME.

SO much love for you my sweet Sister. Mwuoh!

Natasha said...

This is why I love you. These word may not be for anyone else but they will speak for many, because of how honest and real you are. xx

Elisa Choi said...

Connie, this post touch my heart. I think it's a destiny for me to know you through the fearless painting workshop. We are so alike in some ways. This post is exactly what I have been screaming in my heart about-- the times that I have been looking over at how far people go, the hype of social networks and all the expert on changing our lives for the better--these are good though but the most important thing that I am still learning and achieving is the ability to connect with myself, to listen to the voice that God has been telling me, to work on my dreams, to do it everyday slowly in my pace, to shut down every negativity and judgement.

Don't change just because others are "far better". We all have our own time. Thanks a lot!

jess said...

you only have one life. live it well, live it yours.

i am also in that place , though your post clarified WHY I am there. Trying to finish so many projects before christmas so i might actually JUST SIT DOWN AND READ over christmas break. what a thought. i rush, do, rush, do. am i doing things a disservice by pushing myself at this pace? would they be better if i gave them more time? would i just crumble under the feeling that i'm not doing enough?

i too battle with these internal dances. courage, lady. courage and trust yourself.

gail said...

Ok. Wow. I just stumbled upon your our blog and I started reading about myself. You had better words. Thank you.

Debra said...

Isn't it just so easy to slip into that zone of wandering and wondering and feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. Well Connie, you don't just fit in, you totally stand out - as the true authentic, honest and generous creative soul that you are. It's in remembering the best of the lessons I learned in BIG that I know I will grow and find my way most effectively. Your post has brought me back down to earth and to myself. Back to morning pages, scribbles and fearless freedom - to gratitude for the simple joy of painting and to the underrated state of contentment. Thank you!

Cheryl said...

Thank you for writing this exactly when I needed to read it for myself. Your bravery is amazing and I love you just the way you are.

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