Nobody Told Me

When I was 25 years old I backpacked through Italy by myself.

I remember the day I impatiently made my way through the Vatican.  Zooming past all the opulence and history--only focused on the little signs with the arrows pointing the way.

Finally when I arrived at my destination, the sign outside said silence was required. 

Head down, I walked to the middle of the chapel.

Stopped.

Took a deep breath.

And looked up.

Holy shit.

That's what came out of my mouth--and the young Italian guard came rushing over to yell at me.

I was smack dab in the middle of the Sistine Chapel. 

There were no chairs or pews.  Just benches with plexiglass backs lined across the walls-- 

leaning--

so you could spend your time comfortably staring.

And oh. oh. oh.

I was looking up at that amazing masterpiece I've seen over and over again--

in books and Art History 101 films.  

Here I was.  

In the flesh.

I made it.

So close I could feel Micheangelo's presence still.

Like he was breathing down my neck.

That night I emailed my ol' Italian Renaissance Professor and said You didn't prepare me for this.  You didn't do a good job expressing how overwhelmed and moved and filled with absolute awe I would become when I looked up for the first time.  You didn't tell me it would be like this.

Now here I am again.


Nobody told me it would be like this.
That this love would overwhelm me.  Would soothe me.  Would make every cell in my body long to be a better person.
Would heal me.
Nobody ever told me that he would wrap me around his little toes and fingers and every inch of his body.  That I would become mesmerized and awestruck.  
That the way he stretches his arms above his head and puffs his chest out would turn my heart to goo.
Nobody told me that 4 AM is the magic hour--when we nurse in silence as the sunrises.Just us.  Me and him.
Nobody told me that the blue of his eyes would match my favorite color of paint.
Nobody told me that becoming a parent is a process.  Is a daily practice. That it would be this easy and this beautifully hard.  That it would heighten my spirit like nothing else.


And nobody had to.
Everything I've done in my life has prepared me for his presence.  Has sculpted my heart and fine tuned my intuition.  Has strengthened my trust in God...in Life...in the way Nature cradles our Souls.
Nobody could tell me this.
It was a secret I kept locked inside me for ages.  It traveled with me those weeks in Italy.  Sat buried deep inside me the first time I saw a blue morpho in Costa Rica.  
A secret that began to sprout and awaken when Hansel and I met almost ten years ago.
A secret we carried with us from Ohio to Arizona.
A secret that fueled my decisions to leave a job that didn't fit.  To lead women deeper into their own truth. To follow what I know is my path in this life.
A secret that has only been born.And with each day--Becomes more and more revealed.