I Haven't Been Able To See

When I'm this exhausted.
I sit down at my desk.
Close my eyes.
And pick a book.
{Any book.}
I open it randomly.
And read the first thing I see.

It's my little prayer for divine intervention.  For help.  A spark.  A glimmer.  Anything that could point me in the right direction.  Give me the answer that I need.

But I've read all those books.
Some even two times or three.
So there's not any secrets that I haven't already seen.

When I'm sitting in the hospital room
{For the second time that week.}
I take out my journal
And I write:
Dear God, please grant me strength, wisdom, love, and clarity.  Thank you.
Dear God, please grant me strength, wisdom, love, and clarity.  Thank you.
Dear God, please grant me strength, wisdom, love, and clarity.  Thank you.
Dear God, please grant me strength, wisdom, love, and clarity.  Thank you.
Dear God, please grant me strength, wisdom, love, and clarity.  Thank you.

I write it over and over.
No thought to penmanship, but mindful about punctuation.
I write it like an affirmation
Or some law of attraction silliness.

I write it like it's the combination to a winning lottery ticket.

There's something addictive about repetition.
Something very comforting about the daily mundane.

I can measure my dependence to it
On a scale from one to ten.

Yes, I'm talking about the ducks and the hummingbirds.
Yes, the white cranes, the herons.
Yes, the trees that are all twisted and tied.
And yes, the clouds that are most communal right after sunrise.

I've grown attached to their presence in my life
Ever since I was a little girl
Talking to the deer--
Sitting in the river--
Following raccoons.

But what about now?
What good does any of this do?

The books, the trainings, the yoga classes, the meditation, the spiritual hee-haw, even the paintbrush.

Who cares how I feel, what the Universe has to say, if God is a he, a she, an ant or a tree.

What use is the animals, the birds, the mantras, the deeper knowing.

If I'm sitting in the corner of a hospital room,
you're lying in a mechanical bed,
and I can't get Phoenix's face out of my mind as our friends drove away with him?

What about this?  What about right now?

What magical bullshit does life have hidden away
For me to process
and chew
and swish around like brandy.
Then share so cleverly written in a 500 word blog post.

The truth is that I've been spending so much time looking,
that I haven't been able to see.

The patterns.
The truth.
The cries. And the whaling.
The yearning. The yearning. The yearning.

For healing. For love. For attention.

For me.

I'm letting it all go now.
I give it my blessing
To fall away and burn to smithereens.

To let the walls crack.
To allow the floods to come rushing in.
To forget everything I ever knew about spirituality,
about healing,
about what will get us through.

I surrender.  I surrender.  I surrender.

Dear God, Dear Goddess, Dear Lord, Dear Universe, Dear Creative Source, Dear Buddha.
I give it all to you.


~hali said...

Witnessing You, with Love, always...

Natasha said...

My beautiful friend and sister...know that you are being heard, held, supported, and loved on every single step of this journey. Your heart, your soul, this life is being witnessed. I love you with all my heart. I turn my face up to the sky and blow like I'm blowing bubbles giving that extra little push to your prayers as they float into the Universe.

Sally said...

Oh Connie, sending you all my love right now

Andrea said...

You are so loved.

jane louise said...

holding your precious heart in view as it all transforms honey... you are so loved... nothing will be the same but you and Hansel are eternal

jane louise said...

holding your heart in view as you go through this transformation my friend... you are so loved and you Hansel and Phoenix are eternal <3

sersk said...

Dearest Connie,

Surrender, the hardest thing to do. When it happens - it is so rewarding. I am praying for you, Hansel and Phoenix. Much love, Sheila

Arty Velarde said...

what happened? I hope it ends ok for you.

Jane said...

Sending you so much strength, patience, peace, courage, whatever you need. Thinking of you and your family all the time. Lots of love to you all.

darrah parker said...

Hugs and healing to you and your family. xoxo

Suzana said...

Dear Connie, my thoughts are with you, Hansel and Phoenix at what is obviously a challenging time. Sending you blessings from Oz.

Amy said...

Hugs, Connie. You are so loved. Not sure what's going on but I hope it gets a lot better.

Inner Artist said...

Holding you and your loved ones in my heart, dear Connie, at what is obviously a very difficult time for you. Big hugs xxxooo

Jane Hinchliffe said...

Dear Connie, I'm not sure what's happening for you right now but I'm sending you light and love. Remember, you are never alone, even if you feel you are. I'm praying for you and your family. xo

Danni said...

As you will it, so shall it be. So much love to you and your family, dear one.

Jane Wetzel said...

Oh hun..you are in my thoughts and prayers..

Ardith Goodwin said...

Damn....my heart aches for you. All this week I have been in a funk, a total funk of the 'knowing' and at times have wanted to throw eggs at it all. Your words, they resonate with my soul so much, and it makes me simply want to reach out and touch the tips of our fingers, ever so gently, so our spirits will know we are not alone in this journey. We are, we will, come to peace with this surrender thing and it shall be well, we shall be well. (((((hugs and prayers)))))))

Charlotte Pettus said...

...I see us, all of us, sitting in our own innertubes, drifting quietly down the river together. I've just watched you push away from the shore as I pull the last knot from the string that ties me down. I'm right behind you. As is everyone. ♥

Creatively yours Fi said...

Sending you prayers, inner strength and love Connie.

Jamie Ridler Studios said...

Sending you so much love, my dear, dear friend. If you need an ear, I'm here. I mean it.
big love,

Gutsy Arts Girl said...

Your own light is so bright
It's piercing through the clamor
and asking for a gentle nod
the familiar acknowledgment
the 'hey,whats up?"

You own light so bright
is shining -even with the night
enveloping, suffusing, drenching your dreams and hopes for the future

Your own light is present
Presence in every sound
every message
every machine
every echoed silence

Your light, my light, twilight is dawning.

Holding the space for all is well

Anonymous said...

Let go of expectations and attachements. Walk the middle ground and recognize that Life is often cruel and unfair to us all. When we embrace this reality and live with detached compassion for ourselves and others, we will cease to experience suffering.

Miss Marple said...

Your words leave me speechless...Just sending you lots of universal goodness back! - Irma

Cathe P. said...

I am sending you many prayers and well wishes and of course, all of my love as well.
I just feel that everthing will end out OK. At least that is my dearest wish for you.
Remember to take care of yourself.
All my Love & Hugs,

Jodi Ohl said...

Keep holding on Connie....I'm a little late reading your post but know that this too shall pass, surrendering helps cross threshold to peace and serenity. You all will get through this.
hugs and love to you Jodi

suzee ramirez said...

beautiful words...

Shelly said...

Sending you Love and healing intentions ♥

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