To Fall Apart

I got on the plane, sat down by the window, and started crying.

Got off the plane, made my way outside to grab a cab, sat in the back seat, and started crying.

Found myself at the mansion where I was renting a room, followed the sweet woman up the stairs, she opened the door, and I started crying.

She asked me what was wrong and I simply told her that I feel like I clawed myself here.  That I've been having a hard time--and now I'm just falling apart.

She grabbed my bag and guided me up another flight of stairs, opened another door, and said how about this room instead.  

The softness of it all.  The space.

So much space--from the ceiling to the floor--the light was just pouring in like warn, gentle lava--and the bed looked as if it was surrounded by angels.

I said yes, and started to cry.

I crawled into that bed--still wearing my scarf.  Still tucked behind my coat.  Still locked in my shoes.
My head hit the pillow, I closed my eyes, I started to cry.

I came here to fall apart.

I came to cry all the tears I've been gathering behind my heart.

I came to let the pieces of my life crumble and tumble  onto the earth below.

I came to burn my fears--my false identity--the little things I'm still holding onto from a life so long ago.

I came here to be vulnerable and have someone hold me.

I came here to sleep by myself with the blankets pulled tightly over my head.

I came here to be ok with being one big gaping wound.

I came here to allow my sisters to help carry the load.

I came here to say good bye to the Connie I got really good at knowing.

And to spread my arms wider to the Connie I am becoming.

I came here to fall apart.

So I can be whole again.


rain :: said...

oh, waaaant.........
sending lots of love as you cocoon. this is something i've wanted / needed to do myself and there never seems to be the money or the time so i keep trudging away. i hope that you get everything you need and more from this sacred time. namaste.

Blooming Soul Arts said...

wish I was there...I'm in the midst of falling apart as well and saying goodbye to a part of myself that is no longer "me".
I wish you much warmth and love on your journey.
from my heart to yours...

Danni said...

I feel like so many of us are at this point right now, for different reasons and in different stages of our lives. So many sisters who are needing to fall apart, burn away the old bits of ourselves that no longer serve as well as the fears and to rise like phoenixes from the ashes of our pasts.

I'm wishing you so much gentleness and warmth in the process and sending you so much love and support from hundreds of miles away. <3

Marianne Cantwell said...

Oh honey I'm crying with you, biggest biggest hugs beautiful.

facechik said...

oh, sweet girl
we love you. all of the you that you are, were, will be. Being a mama is like a transference of power - you pass the baton of your past to the abyss and grab onto the newness, the freshness of the You you are morphing into. It is Beauty, It is Light and it is fantasticalandhellacious all at the same time. And one more thing...please, for my sake, never drive a minivan. haha xoxo

Indigo said...

makes me cry too. reading this. so know that place. sending you oodles of love and many warm embraces. love you connie. so amazing this ride, eh?

Anonymous said...

Very brave, necessary and refreshing, thank-you

Linn's Art and Soul said...

Big big hugs... I know the "feeling". It is ok to cry, to mourn what was,let the tears cleans the soul and the memories. Dare to feel fear, and see what they are trying to tell you.. Feelings are for me like the weather. They have their own unique purpose... no resistance, just acceptance for what is. I hope you show yourself the same compassion you give to all around you. Fall apart, cleans your thoughts and memories. You are such a brave and warm soul, you have inspired me for years. Your heartfelt intention's have made me touched and in awe many times.♥ Take good care of yourself ♥

Monica Buys said...

Take care dear Connie. You will rise and become stronger than you ever were. Thinking of you and wishing you love peace and much joy. The new Connie will emerge into a wonderful and colorful glorious woman.
Big hugs to you from over the sea :)

Susan Seale said...


Briana, MA said...

beautiful words.
thanks so much for sharing.
love and hugs,

Lis said...

i love all of your connies ... i so love you! your words remind me of what you shared in the desert ... how the earth there can hold it all for you ... shed what you must shed and be grateful for its gifts and for this transformation.

i have to say it again ... i so love you. big time connie cakes, big time. om namah shivaya baby!

Bette said...

Tank you for sharing such beautiful words. They so perfectly describe where I am right now. But at the moment, I don't have the chance to go away somewhere and just be. Be in the moment and let go of what was. And replenish the reserves for what will be.

Kristen (Creative Stash) said...

You are so inspiring, raw and beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I am old...64...have been where you are many many times, doesn't get easier but you do begin to learn the "terrain" and to trust the process...We are ALL of who we were before, who we are now and who we will become...this is alot to take in but we as Women-Spirits are gentle with yourself as you walk through another dark space, know that Light awaits you.

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