My Feet. My Moleskine. My Body.

Every morning in Costa Rica I walked for hours along the shore.  I pushed Phoenix in the stroller and told myself that I could totally start a new work-out trend!

I found out that you can't push a stroller up a mound of sand--you have to pull it with all your might.

And you know that sand that your feet so romantically sinks into?  It's absolute murder getting a stroller through it.

But each morning I was determined to walk further than the last.

So I pushed.  I pulled.  I sweated.  I strolled. I moved my body.  And I did it all barefoot.

Skin to Earth.

With Mama Ocean cleansing my toes from time to time, I made my way back and forth along the coast line.

But what I haven't mentioned yet is that something strange happened right after Phoenix was born.  My feet gave out on me.  Just all of a sudden they became painful to walk on.  So painful that sometimes I literally had to crawl around the house--and carrying a big baby, or a big baby in a car seat?

Yeah.  Horrible.

But what else I haven't mentioned is that right when my feet gave out--my life started to also fall apart.  Hansel started to get really sick.  I mean really sick.

And I started to carry all of us.  By myself.

I went to a foot doctor.  And another foot doctor.  I did stretches, ice packs, wore a brace, got orthopedics, had x-rays, tried this shoe and that, had massage, had acupuncture and acupressure, visualized, FEARLESS Painted, took aspirin, journaled, prayed, and cried.

Nothing seemed to help.  So I just decided to ignore it--and try to keep the rest of my life from falling apart.

So back to Costa Rica, please.

Back to the ocean, and my amazing stroller workout.

You see, something happened on those morning walks along the beach.

My feet started to get better.  The pain started to fade.  My legs started to connect with my ankles--my ankles weren't so afraid of my feet.

And it was incredible.  Because listen...those first few days I walked that sandy beach in long yoga pants and a t-shirt.

Yep! Here comes the lady with the stroller dressed like it's Autumn in Ohio--passing all the surfers and chic-e-babes in bikinis.

But as my feet got better--I started to feel my body again.  And as I felt my body again--I started to strip my close away.

That last stroll along the beach I did it in a tank top and shorts.

Me.  A tank top and shorts!!

Hansel took a photo of me that day--and I couldn't believe how big I looked.  Because for once, in such a long time--I didn't feel so big.  I felt in my body again.

And you know what that feels like to me?  It feels like an overwhelming feeling to dance and do yoga.

It's been so long.  Too long.  Way, way, way too long since I've felt this way.

And there I was, on the beach, stroller pushing--when I for some reason thought of Charlie--a dear friend and FEARLESS Painter of mine.  I all of a sudden wondered about these classes she told me about that she was putting together.  Just out of nowhere I got really curious about what she was offering.

So, I signed up.  And last night, I sat listening to her talk about how important it is to feel in our bodies--and the tears started coming.

I doodled in my Moleskine as she spoke--and later I overlooked the syllabus she gave us and I literally fell to pieces when I read the words "Body Scan".

It's so amazing to me how supported and absolutely loved we are by this big, incredible Universe.  How there I was in the jungle of Costa Rica receiving messages to sign up for Charlie's class...because there waited the message my body has been aching to communicate with me--but I've been ignoring it instead.


Blooming Soul Arts said...

I am so happy that your body gave you the guidance to sign up for those wonderful classes. Listening to our bodies is not always the easiest. I learned that the hard way early on this year..well, even last year as well. (Hip pain so bad I couldn't walk!) I had planned leaving my classroom last year...but when it came time to sign my contract, I did out of guilt and fear. The FIRST week of school I suffered from a horrible kidney stone and was unable to be there. When I went back, weak and wondering why this happened, trying my best to "throw" myself back into work, I dealt with another 6 weeks later, even worse. My body was literally telling me that I did not belong there! I learned the the kidneys get rid of things that are no longer needed. My body was really telling me that I did not belong there any more. I kept quiet. A couple months later I started having major pains in my throat, like there was something in there that I couldn't get rid of. I talked with my energy healer and we realized that I needed to verbalize the fact that I WAS going to leave. Once I listened and learned that I needed to let go and said to the WORLD that I was no longer going back after the end of this year, I have not had any other problems. Our bodies are like open books...we just need to read them! Best of luck with your class! Love to you!

LMA said...

Your feet, my spine. Our bodies will force us to pay attention when our heads get in the way.

Big love to Hansel. He'll get my healing prayer today.

I hope you guys find your way home to Costa Rica, and soon. I believe in my heart it will heal you both.

Big love,


hali said...

beautiful post, Connie. cracked open heart, shared wide open.... in all my work, perhaps the most profound and simple truth I've witnessed and experienced again and again is that... our bodies are whispering our truth to us over and over, like flowing river water, begging us to let go, listen and cleanse in the current. it's why I dance around my house and studio all the time... keeps me grounded in this skin. i've also found, in my experience, how powerfully gentle those moments are when I realize how one message or impression fit perfectly into the next to bring me right to where I needed to be most - despite all of my other 'efforts'. the emotion, the tears of relief that hit in those moments are as much the healing medicine we need as any other part of it, i think. love you.

Sally said...

So glad you feel in touch with your body again Connie, it's so important. BIg hugs. x

Jessica Herman Goodson said...

This sounds so familiar to me. The same thing happened with my feet about a year and a half ago. I did all the same things, listened to my doctor and it got worse before it started to get better. Twice! Not being able to walk and in pain is so limiting and frustrating. For me it was plantar fasciitis that flared up during a move and time of stress. Months later I discover that I have adrenal fatigue/hypothyroid that was making everything worse = harder. It wasn't till I started to deal with that did I get slight improvement. When I stopped listening to doctors who told me to never go barefoot and listened to my body it really started to improve. Walking barefoot on sand or grass has been so much more healing than anything else. But only after I got past the horrible inflamed stage of barely being able to walk and doing a lot of trial and error. Thanks for sharing your story here and in your art! Be well.

gypsy said...

When you share your weaknesses, it makes others feel more brave. Thank you.

redjanfan said...

I salute your courage to bare your soul as you bared your body on that beach. To allow the world to see you in all your imperfectness, if we were perfect we wouldn't need this physical experience, we could just be spiritual.
I dearly wish I could paint, I've never really even held a paintbrush seriously, except to dot a few dots in a poppy or on a lily I've cut out or appliqued. I think I could learn from you. Do you suggest any baby basic painter classes?

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