Still In Progress

FEARLESS Painting In Progress.  Acrylic on Vellum Bristol.  35" x 23".

Still not finished.  

You can see where this painting evolved from last HERE.  

FEARLESS, Present, & Unfinished

FEARLESS Painting In Progress.  Acrylic on Vellum Bristol.  35" x 23".

Here is my most recent FEARLESS Painting....it's still a work in progress....unfinished.

What I'm enjoying about this painting is that I'm really listening to it--
really taking my time--
being present with it completely.

Partially because I have to work in chunks of time while Phoenix is sleeping or being cool with snuggling in close.

But I feel really present in this painting---and I started it by asking it a question...and it's been so surprising and fun to see how it's answering.





I tell you---something has really struck a flame inside me---I have so many ideas--so much I suddenly want to express again.  I would have never imagined that this would be a by-product of becoming a Mommy!
Though, the beauty of it is that pre-Phoenix if I felt this way--I would have gone off in sky rockets---would have gone on overdrive.  
Maybe it's the lack of sleep--or lack of time--but I feel more focused and grounded when I come to the studio.  When I pick up the brush.
Funny how life evolves for us--gives us just the medicine we need.

Just as a little reminder....BIG goes on sale this Monday, June 4th!!! This will be my 11th Tribe and I can't wait to paint FEARLESS with a new group of amazing women!! 
Maybe one of those women will be you?!?!

I'm Painting Again

Like I said earlier....I'm painting again.

Seriously, it feels so good.  So right.  Even so exciting.  

Just to be painting again.

Yesterday I stapled a piece of vellum bristol to  my painting wall and arranged a few different shades of greens on my palette. 
I was feeling the green. 
Maybe cause I couldn't get these two trees out of my mind.  I walk past them everyday when I juggle Phoenix in his stroller and Nyla on her leash--and I wonder why I never really noticed them before.




It's a little silly, if I can be honest.  I get all choked up thinking of those trees--and of Phoenix--and of my palette of greens----because it all seems so alive to me.  An aliveness that I never fully experienced before--an aliveness I wish to capture and share and spread through not only my paintbrush and words on this blog---but in my presence in this world.
Things are changing for me.  In one of the most beautiful ways:
Completely on their own.  Without any help, push, or planning from me.
Every day it unfolds at ease--when I let myself be fully present.


So of course that's why I'm painting again--because there's no better place to paint from--
In the present moment--
With my little guy snuggled close to my heart.

A Little Missing Part

It was around 10:00 PM.Phoenix was asleep.  Laundry in the washer.  Dishes sitting in the sink.  Food in my belly.  And a paintbrush in my hand.
Yes, a paintbrush I said.
I finally had enough.  It's been way too long--and ever since my little guy was born my heart has been longing to paint again.
All through my pregnancy all I wanted to do was write.  So I did.I wrote a lot--and barely painted.  
Well that's not totally true. I played in my sketchbook,  made mandalas (that I'm still working on still!), and dove into a little Art Journaling for 21 SECRETS.  But that's it.
I just didn't actually paint paint.  (You know what I mean.)



That all changed this week when I put a canvas on my easel, paint on a palette, and turned on the lights in my studio.  I probably should have went to bed--but screw it.  
I need this.  I need to paint.
At first one of my usual "faces" started to appear--but it didn't feel right. It felt forced.....trite...expected.
So I stood up, grabbed a bigger brush, and just started slapping paint on it with some freaking boldness and energy.  
I painted like I was the last painter alive!
And guess what happened?  The ol' pod's came back again!!
Or maybe a part of myself came back again.
Yeah, I think that's it.

Little Snippets

Being that my hands are quite full lately...my newest form of creativity and fun has been Instagram!  
It's a lot of fun to shoot little snippets of my day and of my little sweetie!  
But it's also a lot of fun to see what others post as well.  I'm not a big Facebook or Twitter person---and maybe it's because I'm a visual person that Instagram draws me in!
You can follow along by joining me over at Instagram---I'm DirtyFootprints.
Plus--many of my little snippets post to my Facebook, Flickr, and Twitter....if you're not interested in joining "another" social networking somethin-somethin!

Nobody Told Me

When I was 25 years old I backpacked through Italy by myself.

I remember the day I impatiently made my way through the Vatican.  Zooming past all the opulence and history--only focused on the little signs with the arrows pointing the way.

Finally when I arrived at my destination, the sign outside said silence was required. 

Head down, I walked to the middle of the chapel.

Stopped.

Took a deep breath.

And looked up.

Holy shit.

That's what came out of my mouth--and the young Italian guard came rushing over to yell at me.

I was smack dab in the middle of the Sistine Chapel. 

There were no chairs or pews.  Just benches with plexiglass backs lined across the walls-- 

leaning--

so you could spend your time comfortably staring.

And oh. oh. oh.

I was looking up at that amazing masterpiece I've seen over and over again--

in books and Art History 101 films.  

Here I was.  

In the flesh.

I made it.

So close I could feel Micheangelo's presence still.

Like he was breathing down my neck.

That night I emailed my ol' Italian Renaissance Professor and said You didn't prepare me for this.  You didn't do a good job expressing how overwhelmed and moved and filled with absolute awe I would become when I looked up for the first time.  You didn't tell me it would be like this.

Now here I am again.


Nobody told me it would be like this.
That this love would overwhelm me.  Would soothe me.  Would make every cell in my body long to be a better person.
Would heal me.
Nobody ever told me that he would wrap me around his little toes and fingers and every inch of his body.  That I would become mesmerized and awestruck.  
That the way he stretches his arms above his head and puffs his chest out would turn my heart to goo.
Nobody told me that 4 AM is the magic hour--when we nurse in silence as the sunrises.Just us.  Me and him.
Nobody told me that the blue of his eyes would match my favorite color of paint.
Nobody told me that becoming a parent is a process.  Is a daily practice. That it would be this easy and this beautifully hard.  That it would heighten my spirit like nothing else.


And nobody had to.
Everything I've done in my life has prepared me for his presence.  Has sculpted my heart and fine tuned my intuition.  Has strengthened my trust in God...in Life...in the way Nature cradles our Souls.
Nobody could tell me this.
It was a secret I kept locked inside me for ages.  It traveled with me those weeks in Italy.  Sat buried deep inside me the first time I saw a blue morpho in Costa Rica.  
A secret that began to sprout and awaken when Hansel and I met almost ten years ago.
A secret we carried with us from Ohio to Arizona.
A secret that fueled my decisions to leave a job that didn't fit.  To lead women deeper into their own truth. To follow what I know is my path in this life.
A secret that has only been born.And with each day--Becomes more and more revealed.

FEARLESS Inspiration :: Garth Britzman

Above is a beautiful piece of Art created by Garth Britzman.  It is recycled plastic water bottles filled partially with colored water.  He created them into a beautiful car port in his yard!!

What I love about it is first and foremost is that it's genius!!!  I love that Britzman took something stale like a water bottle and turned it into something that looks soft and flowing like a blanket.  

I also love that it's surprising!  Imagine seeing that in person---walking under it!  

And last, I love that it's functional--that it has a purpose---that it adds a little beauty and wonder while it's at it too!

Absolutely FEARLESS!!!

One Long Ribbon

?

No matter what, I "never ever" go to bed without brushing my teeth.
Never ever.
In the last two weeks of being a Mom for the first time--that carnal rule of mine has gone by the wayside.  At least once.
(Maybe twice.)
I'm also typing this blog post with one hand.
And sure, none of this will get me an award--and none of this means much to anyone but me.  And none of this really says much about living with a newborn.
Until you go through it.  
Until all of a sudden you realize that you are no longer the same person you once were.  That all of a sudden you do things differently---and not by choice--or even necessity--but simply because your DNA has changed.  The molecular structure of your heart has shifted.  Your brain has somehow got used to exhaustion and now tolerates the feel of feces on your hand or white spit up running down your neck. 
All of a sudden you wake up and know what to do.
Somehow.
At least you think so for awhile.  
Then tomorrow comes and what worked yesterday is not doing the trick today.
And I'm relearning the Art of laughing at myself--at not taking things so seriously.  I'm relearning the importance of grass under bare feet and sunshine on my shoulders--even if it's only for a few minutes.  I'm relearning the science of discovery--the enlightenment of magic--the importance of wonder.
I'm relearning unconditional love and the words to forgotten lullabies.
I'm relearning the ingredients of happiness like memorizing the periodic table.  
Or maybe I'm just being clever.
Maybe I'm not doing anything special that hasn't been done before--through my ancestors and yours.  Passed down from woman to woman.  Never skipping a generation.  Never missing a lunar cycle.  Never depleting the midnight sky of it's darkness.Or denying the sun it's radiance.
Just simply letting the energy move.  
One long ribbon of love--tangled, knotted,  and thin in places.
But stronger than any precious metal.
Happy Mother's Day, to every woman.  
Happy Mother's Day.

One Year Evolution

Self Portrait.  May 10, 2011.

Self Portrait With Phoenix.  May 10, 2012.

My Greatest Labor Of Love

A couple days before Phoenix was born my dear friend Darrah sent me a text message stating I had everything I needed...that all I had to do was Trust.
Those few little words could not have been more perfect....more timely.  
So I find it interesting that on Saturday, April 28th I woke up and laid in bed with my doggie Nyla thinking only two things: Surrender and Trust.
Surrender and Trust.Surrender and Trust.
It was like a loud mantra playing over and over in my head.  A record with a skip.The way roller coaster workers say the same thing again and again at amusement parks.
Surrender and Trust.Surrender and Trust.



That same day I had the most incredible burst of energy.
"Nesting" they call it, I do believe.
When I finally crawled out of bed all I wanted to do was clean.  The windows, the floors, the carpet, the laundry, even the patio.  
I knew he was on his way.  I knew it.
And I decided to take one last wabble down to the pond by our home as well--since I was feeling so lively for the first time in awhile.
I sat there watching the ducks, soaking in the sunshine, and praying my mantra again and again.
Surrender and Trust.Surrender and Trust.Surrender and Trust.



Later that evening Hansel and I sat together in the living room watching Forrest Gump.  It was exactly half past midnight when I got up to go to the bathroom--and as I walked back to the living room I couldn't understand why I had just peed on myself!
So I went to the closet and changed my pajama pants--not thinking much of it.
I sat back down by Hansel and immediately felt like I had to go to the bathroom again--but this time there was more urgency--and as I ran to the bathroom I yelled to Hansel the whole time "I don't know why I'm peeing all over myself."
You can laugh.  I did.  Hansel did.  We both did!
Hansel so sweetly said "Connie, I don't think you're peeing on yourself."
And yes, it finally occurred to me--he was right.  I was not peeing on myself.  This was the beginning.  My water had broken.
I don't know, I guess I imagined in my head things happening differently.  That there would be contractions--I would be laying down--we would use the app Hansel downloaded on his phone to time things.  Something.  
Something different than this.  This caught me by surprise.
Surrender and Trust.Surrender and Trust.
But my water broke and there was nothing.  I called my doctor and she said take my time going to the birthing center--and so I took a shower, had something small to eat, called my friend who agreed to be my doula, helped Hansel pack up our stuff to take with us, and together we took Nyla for a small walk.
As we walked Nyla together under the stars that night Hansel pointed out that the night we found out I was pregnant we were also watching Forrest Gump---and then too took Nyla for the same walk.  
And here we were again--totally full circle--and this time ready to begin a new part of the journey.  This time ready to meet our little guy face to face.



I'm being honest when I say to you that I don't remember a whole lot about the labor.
I know that it lasted 18 hours---I guess you could say 20 hours if you want to begin at that moment when I felt I peed myself!
But it was 18 hours in the birthing center--and nothing I would have ever expected--and nothing that went as I had planned.  Though the entire time I kept hearing again and again Surrender and Trust.  
Surrender and Trust.  Surrender and Trust.
When my contractions finally began:  Surrender and Trust.When they got stronger and closer: Surrender and Trust.When they told me my blood pressure was too high, that I was running a fever, that the pain I was trying to experience naturally was making both of these factors worse for me--and for my sweet Phoenix: Surrender and Trust.When I finally agreed to the epidural: Surrender and Trust.When they told me that after 18 hours I was not progressing: Surrender and Trust.When they said his heartbeat was not looking good: Surrender and Trust.When they insisted on getting him out now: Surrender and Trust.When they wheeled me into the surgery room: Surrender and Trust.When I saw the worry on Hansel's face: Surrender and Trust.When the drugs they gave me made me feel like the world was spinning: Surrender and Trust.When I heard his cry for the very first time: Surrender and Trust.When I told Hansel to run to him as I laid there watching: Surrender and Trust.When I kissed his face: Surrender and Trust.When I saw Hansel break into tears: Surrender and Trust.When I knew that Phoenix was safe: Surrender and Trust.

When I finally became a mother the only thing I could do--the only thing that was in my control was to Surrender and Trust.
Nothing happened as I expected it to--nothing happened according to plan.
But as traumatic as it was for both Phoenix and I, I would say it was a great success.  
I brought Phoenix into this world surrounded by LOVE.  My dear friends Shirlene and Alicia stayed with me and Hansel the whole time in the birthing center--while Shirlene's husband and two sons sat outside in the waiting room. (THE WHOLE TIME.)
I had friends and family members sitting by the phone--up all night praying--and my dear FEARLESS Painters had created a virtual circle around us as well over on Facebook.  There was nothing but great, great LOVE that shone through those hours of labor.  
It was without a doubt--a great labor of LOVE.
And as each contraction waved through my body I focused on my breathing--but not according to the patterns I learned in birthing class months earlier.  Instead I focused on breathing into my heart--and having my heart expand with each inhale and exhale to engulf both Phoenix and I. 
I would close my eyes and visualize my heart as this safe, sacred space cradling the two of us.  And I would reach for my pulse on my neck and try to match my own heartbeat with his heartbeat that I heard on the monitor.  
We were one.  
It no longer mattered if he came into this world vaginally or through an incision on my belly.  Drugs or no drugs.
I  delivered Phoenix into this world through my own Soul.  
I delivered him the only way I knew best:Surrender and Trust.Surrender and Trust.